


i can't find you or my keys (which is more important?)

by makemelovely



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Non-Linear Narrative, POV Second Person, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 22:37:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14530785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makemelovely/pseuds/makemelovely
Summary: This is what you remember: breathe, sunflower, three to the right, four to the left, rainbow, and four-fifty.//or terry ives isn't sure what day it is





	i can't find you or my keys (which is more important?)

This is what you remember: breathe, sunflower, three to the right, four to the left, rainbow, and four-fifty.

You forget what they mean. You repeat them over and over, for some reason it's important you remember. You don't quite know why. You suspect an important reason, but you can't be sure. Becky doesn't know or maybe she doesn't want to say. Sometimes you forget to ask, and she always forgets to tell you. Or maybe she remembers not to tell you. You aren't sure. You aren't sure of a lot of things.

 

* * *

 

You used to have memories, they used to keep you up at night. You don't know why.

 

* * *

 

Your doctor tells you that you're pregnant. Your smile splits your face and when you tell Becky, you are crying. Happy tears, of course. This is important. Of course it's important. Becky buys you a cake and a bottle of wine for herself, you roll your eyes when she hands you the bill. There's a twinkle of mischief in her eyes, and you hope your sister knows you love her very much. "Who's the father?" She asks later, three sheets to the wind.

You fiddle with your fingers, brush off her question. Look at this baby book of names, doesn't Jane sound nice for a girl? You certainly think so.

 

* * *

 

Your eyes open, and you smile weakly. Jane is crying loudly, her face screwed up and pink skin covered in blood. You are exhausted, and desperate for sleep. The doctor leans over you, Jane squalling in his arms as he passes her off to a nurse. He pulls the mask down, and Martin Brenner looks down at you cruelly, eyes glinting with satisfaction. Your vision swims, and all you can think of before sliding into darkness is Jane.

You wake up, heart crawling up your throat. Becky looks at you, eyes swimming with tears. "She wasn't crying, Terry, I'm sorry."

Becky ends your world, and at first you deny it all. And then you rage.

 

* * *

 

 

You look for her everywhere.

You don't know who 'her' is.

* * *

 

 

You forget to buy orange juice. You had planned this trip a week ago with orange juice specifically in mind but you’d forgotten it. It’s strange, and your stomach twists unpleasantly. You call your sister, ask her to pick some up for you. She agrees, and you forget all about your unease. Just like the orange juice.

* * *

 

 

You are on a private plane, seated beside your father’s richest business partner. His hand is on your thigh, and his lips are attached to your neck. You smile, murmur something low in your throat. He chuckles warmly against your neck, and you giggle. This is it. This is everything you’ve ever wanted. You’ve got it, and you don’t want to lose it.

 

You do lose it. Specifically you lose it in twenty-four days. You take a pregnancy test, and your world falls apart around you.

* * *

 

 

He leaves, and you are pregnant. Isn’t it funny? What’s funny?

 

You don’t know anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

You forget her name. For a whole minute you have no clue what you named your missing baby girl. A sob gets stuck in your throat, and it croaks past your teeth when you remember her name.  _ Jane  _ you sob  _ Jane _ . Tears have never been such a welcome relief.

 

* * *

 

 

There are some days where you feel a hollowness in your womb, something empty and aching in you. You ask Becky because she’ll know. “Why is there something detached from my belly? It’s empty and aching and I think it should be squirming.”

 

Becky begins to cry, and so do you even though you aren't sure why you’re crying. You stroke her hand, and dimly think that she should be doing this for you.

 

The thought evaporates as soon as it happens. That’s been happening an awful lot these days.

 

What has?

 

* * *

 

 

A man looks at you, eyes narrowed coldly. You feel a sudden throb in your veins, a distinct warning bell in your brain screaming  _ danger! _ but you ignore it. “I think my name is Terry.” You whisper to him, smiling to yourself once his eyes light up and a smile stretches across his rubbery lips.

 

“Very good, Terry.” He says, and you clap.

 

* * *

 

 

_ No no no no no! Not your baby! Not your little Jane with pale pink skin and a scream louder than a firework. Not your little angel. Not your darling who will make your life worth it. _

_ No no no no no no! _

 

* * *

 

 

You dream of Jane one night, curled into your side with adorable brown eyes and the cutest curly brown hair.

 

You wake up, and the dream slips from your grasp.

 

* * *

 

 

Things fade from your mind in pairs and then trios and then it’s information flooding from your brain in a whirlwind of chaotic forgetfulness. It’s forgetting to buy orange juice and then it’s forgetting your own damn name. 

 

It wasn't supposed to go like this. Jane was supposed to-

 

You can't remember who Jane is.

 

* * *

 

 

This is what you remember: breathe, sunflower, three to the right, four to the left, rainbow, and four-fifty.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this way back when stranger things 2 came out so my writing style is different than now when I finished it so that's why it might feel a bit disjointed also in docs this was called lol give terry ives a backstory you cowards


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